Looking for...Love?

No matter who you are, or where you've come from, you have a passion. It might take quite a long time to realize what that passion is, but it is there. To have a passion, you don't necessarily need to be good at it, or feel inadequate if you find yourself continuously challenged by it. All you need is love.


I am on a mission. I do not know where it will lead me or what I am looking for. Perhaps it's love, but what kind? Maybe I am looking for a replacement for that deep gash in my heart. Maybe I am looking for a place to call my home away from home. Or maybe I am looking for a better me. 


I have a need for traveling, it is somewhat an addiction. I consider myself to be a "Euronut," (A non-European who continually speaks of the greatness of Europe and all that is European, despite living nowhere near Europe or hailing from a European country. Euronuts commonly enjoy spending time taking long walks throuh any European city in springtime, drinking wine or spirits over long lunches. They have the ability to work Europe into any conversation on any topic). I feel I am stuck in a grind, with nothing new or exciting... where has my passion gone? Four years of college, living with a roommate I adore and two fabulous cats, having a decent job, being able to do what I love (riding)... I would hope to be content here, but I find myself constantly yearning to be in Italy.


I am beginning a journey. I am not sure what I am searching for, or where I will end up. This is a turning point in my life; everything I do from now on will effect my future (but hasn't that always been the case)? It seems now that I near graduation, every decision I make will be important to my future. Am I really ready to get my masters or doctorate degree? What can I do with a major in Psychology if I am not prepared to spend the next decade in school? Am I really ready to settle down with someone who I think I know, when I am not even sure who I am? How can someone be so sure of themselves and their decisions when they haven't truly lived?


If asked to describe myself, I would probably say "a horse rider, a daughter, a friend, a lover." These things may be true, but are they actually what define who I am or is there something deeper? 


I grew up having everything I could ask for. I have wonderful parents, loyal dogs, I had lizards, frogs, turtles, and cats. We have a beautiful house and wonderful friends. I danced- ballet, tap, and jazz, played basketball, took piano lessons, and my favorite: I rode horses. Ever since I was little, around the age of 6, I knew I had something special with horses. I understood them, respected them, and cherished them. I eventually had two horses of my own, one who I rode eventing on, and one who I rode in jumpers. To ride a horse is unlike any other sport; It is not like a sport played with a ball. 


Imagine going out early in the morning, into a barn filled with eager horses. You see your horse, give her a treat and a pat on the neck, and tell her good morning. Get the hay out of her forelock and brush her. You know where her favorite spot is that she just can't reach. Although she just woke up, she is still beautiful; standing tall and proud, her coat gleaming. You saddle and bridle her, and take her out for a ride through the woods. You gallop. All you can feel is her moving beneath you, her muscles stretching. All you can feel is a cool wind on your face. All you can see is her head bobbing up and down stride for stride, and her ears flicking back and forth - looking for what is ahead and then back to let you know that she is listening. You do not notice what is around you, your thoughts leave you. Any problems you have seem to disappear. All you can hear is the sound of her breathing and her hoofbeats on the ground.  There is a bond created unlike any with a human. Only horse riders completely understand this bond.


A horse is someone you can share your deepest secrets with; don't worry, she won't tell. A horse is someone who trusts you, if you give her the chance to. A horse is vulnerable the moment she stands there and lets you in the saddle. Horses will always choose to run if they are afraid, and to allow someone to mount and ride you takes quite a large amount of trust from a horse. To ride a horse, you must borrow her freedom. 


I will soon start my journey. I am unsure exactly where I am headed, but know that I must find myself. I am desperately yearning to submerge myself in a culture that I am not comfortable with on my own, surrounded in a language that I can just barely comprehend, and just live. Tuscany is my hopeful destination, and horses will be my accomplices. 


After all, a horse is the projection of peoples' dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us an escape from our mundane existence. ~Pam Brown